Serial killer complains about economic hardship facing olim
By SPOOF, SATIRE and MOCKING
A serial killer who immigrated to Israel as an “oleh hadash” has granted an interview to an overseas publication upon his return to his home country, expressing regret and anger over the economic conditions in Israel and his inability to succeed.
“I came to Israel with hopes and dreams. I wanted to live in a fully Jewish environment where I could actualize my Jewish potential, but it was all too much really.” He claimed in the interview that he had “worked” as a serial killer for years and was enthralled with the idea of “living the dream” in the Jewish state and finally no longer being a minority. When querried on that last point he noted “well, obviously from a standpoint of being a sociopath I would be a minority anywhere, but I mean from an ethnic peoplehood perspective.” He claims he was taken in by Zionist stories of “being a free people in the land” and “all I found was overpriced honey and milk. Can you imagine? Milk, bread, staple products, were very expensive.” The man claims that in his country of origin he could work a part time job and have time for his “extracurricular activities” by which he means “construction of a dungeon” and various other twisted endeavors.
Police who were involved in the case noted that serial killers tend to “mature” over time and their killing becomes more frequent. But profilers were baffled that this man basically ended his killing spree. “I couldn’t afford it honestly,” he told reporters. “I wanted to live the dream, but the country broke me.” He told of waiting in long lines at numerous bureaucratic institutions. “It’s enough to make someone want to go mad, honestly. For a psychopath it’s really no place to be, but even for an average person it’s not.” He claimed that just getting a driver’s license “was more complex than eluding the police.” Other basic issues like trying to maintain a similar standard of living were also tough. “Back home I had a home, a cabin in the woods next to a creepy lake, and I had an old beat up Chevy with three doors that can’t be opened from the inside,” he claimed. “In Israel I could barely afford an apartment and I had to live with roommates.” He says one of his roommates suffered from Jerusalem syndrome and had to be hospitalized. “I always thought they would come for me with the strait jacket, but here I am one morning having to argue with the mailman about how I’m not getting my mail and in burst some men in white robes to take ‘Bob’ away. And then he was gone and we had to spend the next six months looking for a new roommate and being threatened by the insane landlord.”
The poor wretched man, his savings spent, with no job and few prospects, finally had enough. “I realized that I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe because I’m not religious, or devoted, or don’t have the right proteksia, but it wasn’t for me.” So he left Israel and is now residing back in his home country.